luxe

i had nightmares all night. one of them involved being raped in a huge attic space above the shop that isn’t actually there. i screamed, but my voice was all froggy. after that was over, i realized that i had to clean out and move all of that stuff, also. and the power had been turned off and people were still coming in and i didn’t want to tell them that i didn’t tattoo anymore. the odd part of this is that i really don’t want to. i really don’t feel sad about it. i feel like i should. but i don’t. so, i wonder if that dream means that i feel like the shop and its clientele violate me? who knows?

butter called me last night and told me that he wanted to move the shop single-handedly to repay us for being nice to him. what a weirdo. i told him it would be great if he helped, although not expected. so that is really nice. i am planning to be out by the end of the weekend.

in other news, yesterday, our neighbor who is always super drunk, and i found out she is on one of those probation programs that you have to carry the breathalizer thing around with you and when it beeps you have to blow in it. anyway, she came home, got out of her car and could barely walk, due to being intoxicated. i don’t know if that is the right word. she was so fucked up she didn’t seem to know who or where she was. anyway, she went inside. then, an hour later, i saw her leave, equally fucked up, almost fell down the stairs, couldn’t get the key in the door, etc. i called the police, except that we don’t know her name. so i need to call in her plate today. i don’t care if you are a career alcoholic, i just don’t want to be run over, or a little kid or animal, or car plowed into, and if she would just stay home, or walk if she needs to go somewhere…anyway, crazy! i also found out that her boyfriend, hairy mantits, just stays with her and has several other alcoholic girlfriends who he also mooches off. what a nice life.

ok, i need to shower and run errands…
xoxo,
n.

looong weekend. man. and not in a good way. so, friday, i painted my studio. my mom in law helped, as did heather for a bit. i went to get another gallon of paint, we had run out…i brought my swatch, but went to a different lowe’s, resulting in a different color. which i didn’t fully realize until this morning, when i saw the roller marks all over the wall. man. so, i went back to lowe’s who told me that i needed to go to the other one to get the paint for it to be the right color. so, to-morrow, i have to get groceries, a match to that paint, and a bunch of other things that i have forgotten already. shit. shit! also, i didn’t realize that i had picked the most expensive paint in the frickin store. 26 bucks a gallon. and i hope the give me the other bucket. rip off! on the upside, it looks really great. i am going to do brown trim, but i am not worried about that at the moment.

i convinced jake that instead of wasting space, we could get brackets and boards and make a bookshelf in the space just at the top of the stairs that will perfectly fit, no wasted space like a regular bookshelf would do. and it is like 5 feet wide. yeah! anyway, we spent the day picking everything out and trying not to make it cost a million dollars. jake didn’t want to use the studs, but instead put plugs in, because it would not have been symmetrical, the screws are wanting to pull out of the wall. my idea, is to put storage under the first shelf and then at each end of the shelves for a bit more support. i think it will work. jake would rather buy something, but i think this will be nicer, make better use of the space, and i can get all the books out of the studio, i may keep some, but i want to make it as spacious as possible. i wish it could get it done faster. i get so tired when i push myself. i get a migraine whenever i do. sucks.

we went to a local saturday craft market, which i am thinking about getting involved in, i think i said that already. i bought a gorgeous tree of life necklace, which is jewish symbolism, which was made out of an old dime. really amazing. my camera is broken again, but i will try to take photos. i got peeps a “spoiled” pink neckything. some organic lipbalm, jake got all different flavors of homemade rootbeer, which he loooooves, i got heather’s puppy’s matching ladybug neckthingys, the herrings a nut roll…oh, and i got the idea to make those knitted soap holder things. you know, that come with soap in them? i think if it were packaged in a cute way, it would sell as a gift…i need to do a prototype…

oh, also, i want to go to the berry farm if i can tuesday. before berry season is over. so sad!

i spun a bit today and combed out the silk/bamboo stuff i dyed, which looks like hair. it is really creepy. i may spin it alone. it feels so very nice. mmmmm. smells so very gross.

i am moving stuff out of the shop this coming weekend.

xo,
n.

so we are going to the ligonier saturday market which is rumored to be a nice craft market, i am considering working it…gabe thought we were going and called me from there at 7:30 this morning. yupper.

i talked to heather last night, and i feel like i got some of that stuff resolved. i made her cry, whilst at a party. i am so nice! she is meeting us, i think with her hubby in tow at the market and then to lowes to get paint for the studio and she and my mom in law are helping me paint. i am excited that someone will help me pick out the paint. while i know what i want it to look like, it always ends up being a garish color, rather than the muddy color i had in mind. where is martha when you need her most? i hope at lowes they will have an organizational book to help me set things up….

ok, shower time!

smoochies!
n.

dear grandma
Originally uploaded by natashafialkov.

who watches ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT? it is one of my most favorite(st) shows. it is hilarious!! please check it out. do it! now!

i did a tattoo today and then went to joann’s in search of organizational equipment. to no avail. i made a huge mistake. gabe came with me. he picked up about 30 items, apparently making up prices as he went along, got to the register and when presented with the total was shocked and dismayed. after about a half an hour, i was sweated, felt unwell and was very, very irritated. he made her void about 25 of the items, one at a time, because they were 99 cents, not 50, or was 3.99, not 1.99. the horror. the cashier was amazingly nice about it. do i seem mean? i think i am. and i can’t remember how to spell anything this evening.

in other news, we had dinner with the in-laws and told them about the master plan to ditch the shop and become a yarn mega star! yeah!!

my awesome secret pal, the one that send me stuff, that is, voted for little hands for the brand name, and sent me this e.e.cummings poem that has those words in it….
somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond
any experience, your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully,mysteriously)her first rose

or if your wish be to close me, i and
my life will shut very beautifully,suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;

nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility: whose texture
compels me with the colour of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens;only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands

i really like it. but when i googled the words small hands and all this jesus stuff, jesus/angel stuff, or little kid stuff came up. so maybe, la pee la is the better way to go. why does it worry me that people might think i have a christian business, you ask? as mark rothko said, “yarn has no one god! fiber forever blessed be!” you know? i think you do.

oh, 48 hours later, a world record, the boutique called and set up and appointment for the owner to meet with me, you know in the first week of september, you know, because she doesn’t work and lives, um, about 10 minutes away. so. yeah. and if i am lucky, they won’t like most of what i make. rock!

oh, this card over here, i found in the garbage of the antique store. i am allowed to look in there. i swear it! anyway, i found it really really strange. i thought i would share it with you. and what the fuck is a spinach party? anyone?

i spent the last 4 hours clearing my studio and yelling at heather/crying with heather. i swear we are sisters. i get so pissed off at her because i care about her so much and want her to be ok. and then, she will tell me something about someone else, and manage to shift my attention to want to kick someone else’s ass altogether. whatever. anyway, i got my closet straightened out and much of the studio sorted as well. i need to get some smaller baskets, big time. i may paint to-morrow. i can picture the pink in my head. old and flat. eggshell. i am excited. oooooh. this way, everything just gets moved in and put away. i threw tons of stuff away. like a fax machine that i can’t work because we don’t have a phone line. so, that can move.

people keep saying how sad it is to see the shop go, it is a shame, they tell me. no, it isn’t. i am so happy. i feel so free. since i made this decision strange coincidences abound, info on calls for artists, for dolls, for fiber pieces, for craft shows, all sorts of things…that i couldn’t do before, i didn’t even realize i was limited. shit, i could take come fiber classes at my alma mater if i wanted to…or whatever. i could teach knitting, or spinning…i feel so free. between the bills and the thought of my brandy new gorgeous studio, i get giddy…

i won’t blather on about it, but i am really happy, and i emailed heidi from my paper crane to see if we could maybe carpool to some of the farther away shows! fun!

i am off to read EVA LUNA, a really compelling read. i have been so excited that i don’t even want to eat! yay! eating disorder anyone? at least i am not bulimic like my cat, kahlo. and her sister, peeps, eats whatever she wants and is slim, yet fluffy. damn her! if i had a sister, i would really hope i was the prettier one. i could not bear being the homelier one.

oh, also, there is this really fun site phantom professor which helps us to be better blog writers. it has vocab and all sorts of fun info and you just grade your own. check in daily. really really neat! i know i am not the best writer…i am an artiste! dammit! i cannot be all things….giggle…but i like to try to be as good as i can at everything i can…

sweet dreams…i have realized that things better than what you have dreamed of can come true…like magic!!

you are the best…yes, you…
mwwwwah!
n.

so, i had planned to close shop at the end of the month. today, the phone went off. i guess i didn’t pay the bill(?). anyway, i decided to leave it off, and get prepared to move on to phase II. i got the bills settled, we will just leave it at that, ok? and it is such a big relief. i have been so worried about that stuff and now, i just need to weed through stuff, and get the studio cleaned out, painted, organized so that i can move things in and put them away. i am going to purge, bigtime!

i was throwing old paperwork out from 1997. yup. so, i am trying to throw away as much as possible, and go from there. i will keep you posted. more than 24 hours after calling the boutique, no call back. what a surprise! i will call again to-morrow. if i just show up, i can’t get paid, i would imagine, either. so.

i have a tendency to forget that i have things if i cannot see them, so i plan for lots of wall storage and some more baskets, so i can see everything at a glance. shelves, hooks, you know. i am excited. i am not sure what it will look like, exactly. you know?

lastly, i need to get business cards made for the yarn business, and a logo, so if anyone does stuff like that and would be willing to trade, or is reasonable, please email me. jason h kindly said he could do a website for me, so hopefully that is still a possibility.

xo,
n.

scarves and stuff
Originally uploaded by natashafialkov.

first, i want to let everyone know that the world was a poorer place as of this morning. my family have known walt and gloria since i was in third grade. they have been wonderful friends, and felt like my own grandparent, moreso, really. walt called me baby, as a kid, which my husband now calls me, and i think it endeared the term to me. when my mom was fighting with me, he consoled me, and told me stories about being in the military, being in jazz bands, being a musician, living a hard life. he and his wife raised some of their grandchildren, in their 70’s are raising great-grandchildren, have never had their house to themselves. when my mother was sick, or out of town, they would come over and do laundry, feed my dad, check on him, they called him “doc”. i think he liked that. when i got married, none of my family came, they sent me a nice gift and came to the reception, they know me better than my family knows me. they have accepted me as i am, since i was 7 years old. walt was a lifelong smoker, and paid the price, having been very very ill and hospitalized for months and months. i will miss him, he has been a big part of my life for 25 years, and was the kind of person that people remembered and asked about after meeting him only once. i send out my love to his amazing family, and his wonderful wife, gloria. i hope you get to smoke inside, wherever you are, and i hope they have good music. i’ll bet they do. i love you, walt.

scarves and stuff
Originally uploaded by natashafialkov.

i had a dream that i was trying to tattoo during some sort of stage show. whatever that means. among other things, and charactars of general hospital were there, except they weren’t actors. huh.

while peeing this morning, i thought about calling to shut off the utilities for the shop and remembered that i was supposed to pay the electric bill and forgot. i hope the shut-off was not today. i even wrote it in the planner. that said, i hope it wasn’t yet, and i would heed a note in my planner. who knows? i am going senile.

ok, coffeetime.

n.

snores all around in the bedroom tonite. i really need to stop hanging out in bed all the time. i uploaded photos to flickr and they disappeared. also, a post disappeared and was replaced with a duplicate of an entry from 10 hrs earlier. hmmf.

i have 7 scarves to take to the boutique. i left a message for the owner that i only wanted to meet with her. not her toadie. so we will see if i even get a call back. remember? that was the problem, they don’t call back and then ask you where you have been. after knitting so much tonite, i again feel depressed. tired maybe.

i told jake that i wanted to take a month or two off of any tattoo stuff, and just concentrate on knitting and spinning and art stuff, just to see what i can get going. he said that was fine, i hope he meant it.

i told my landlord i would be leaving and found someone who wanted the bigger and more cumbersome of my chairs, and will pick it up, so that is some weight off my shoulders. i thought it may be emotional, but it wasn’t. i am just done. heather again suggested having my cosmetic studio in the basement and i told her to drop it already. i guess she was serious. i will take a photo of my basement and post it. it is scary down there. and nothing will take 100+ years of scary away from it. you know?

so, i don’t normally talk about general hospital, but i have watched it since i was in third grade. it is the closest thing to family history i have. anyway, today, one of the characters managed to piss everyone off in her life and they all tell her to fuck off, and i am surprised that they would write the characters to be so mean, of course it is a soap, and of course she has done terrible things, crazy terrible, but it made me really sad when they did that to her. no one deserves to be deserted. i had such a lonely life, for so much of my life, and i was always ready to be ditched. i hate to see anyone, even when they deserve it, get ditched. knowing that someone is always there, no matter what, that is so important to being able to be a strong person. i am a dork. GH makes me sad. i am tired….
gnite all.
xo,
n.

6 poor photos, by gabe!
Originally uploaded by natashafialkov.

this was supposed to be for butter, i made up the pattern my very own self, it needs to be tweaked a bit, but is really cute, i will take new photos, gabe’s blow. big time. if you can’t tell i did a little cabling action and then some ribbing action and the palm is just plain stockinette, for her pleasure. 2nd one to follow, someday.

i had a bad bad night. i knitted like a maniac yesterday and then felt really depressed when i was done. why does it drain my so much? i always feel sad when i finish projects, also when i finish books, i feel sad. strange? yeah. i had pain everywhere, i felt like all my nerves were humming…zzzzzz….i took the shower, took main meds, took a chill pill, read for a bit, but my hands and arms hurt so much that it was hard to hold the book. i cannot handle that.

i have an appt today that had been cancelled from last week when i was sick and dizzy, she called yesterday and tried to tell me that she was there at 2:30 on friday and i was closed. no. don’t think so. did you have an appt? no? hm. and she asked if i would BE there if she came for her appt today. you know what? fuck off. i called her 4.5 hours before her appt to cancel. that is not the same as not showing up. maybe next time, i will just do it when my hands are shaking and i am super dizzy. yeah. bitch. another reason that i am done with this. done. i think i will make her feel really guilty about it today. bitch.

in the shower last night, i thought of a few other names for the yarn and knitting….my own little hands, my little hands, my tiny hands, tiny hands, little hands…anyone that knows me, knows that my hands and feet are my best feature. i totally missed my calling. people who hate feet like my feet. they are very cute. i will put a photo up. am i pompous about it? no, it is the truth. it is. anyway, it is up between that and two tears in a bucket, la pee la…let me know what you think!

i had a dream that i was injected with poison from a rattlesnake, among other things. what the hell does that mean?