luxe

pavel and the mouse toy i knitted him
Originally uploaded by natashafialkov.

i always kept a journal, since i can remember, anyway. it always seemed important. i grew up feeling really lonely. i have never felt close with my family, we had no relatives nearby, and moved a lot. so the family dog was my best friend and confidante.

i always considered a journal to be private. other people didn’t.

now, i keep a knitting and art journal, fiber and spinning…but this…this is my diary. at first, i thought i needed to censor myself. then, i realized that the important things i have to say, do not need to be censored. i have done that my whole life. denied who i am. tried to be different. better. someone else. not me. anything i say in this blog, if asked, i would talk about. anything. in my real life, i am just the same. if you ask me, i will tell you. i hate lying. i do it as rarely as i possibly can. the exception is when i try to spare feelings. that is when i most often do it.

in all my years of having journals, i think the “dear diary” was my twin. the one i always wished i had. so i wouldn’t ever be alone, and she would always get me. stand up for me. admire me. love me. now, this blog, is even better than that. by and large, my incredible audience, is not really an audience at all. many of you have become important people in my life. you have influenced me to take a chance on being happy. helped me to realize who i am, what i can do…helped me realize that all that time that i was lonely, i wasn’t alone. there was this universe of stars twinkling over me and all of you, as well, behind a cloud, waiting to be revealed when the night was really the darkest. i have never felt so connected, as i do now. when bad things happen, i have people to talk to, that know what is going on, that have my back…something i never had before…i know that i am safe to be as much as i want to be. safe to do it all…try it all…because the only kind of failure is being static. being too afraid to try, afraid to be confident, afraid to depend on yourself…i won’t do that again. i won’t be that again. i am not that lonely little girl anymore. i never will be again. i have all of you to thank for that. my husband, friends, family…myself…