luxe

yarny pants
Originally uploaded by natashafialkov.

i had a solitary day. i didn’t talk to anyone but my husband and my cats. i made a ton more pompoms, knitted another chemo cap, with a new pattern i am working on, more on that to-morrow if i get it done…and spun for a really long time. the spinning is what set me a bit more right.

i woke up, and remembered what i had done so late at night, with a bad headache giving me bitter courage. i am not sorry that i did it. i know i had to. i am so sorry that i had to. i have cut people out of my life before. when possible, i would simply disappear and never talk to them again. in this case, i didn’t want to do that. ever. i want to be able to do something. i don’t want her to fall into a deep hole, and die there.

she normally calls and calls and calls. today, no calls. she gets it this time. i think she really gets it. and it feels like a breakup. it feels just like that. you wake up, having forgotten for what seemed like a moment, and remember. and you are sad all over again.

so i did work. when i spin, it is like floating face down…all that i hear is my blood pumping and my breathing. nothing else is in the world. that is the world. i realized that i had been rude to jake, and went into my studio and not come out for more than 3 hours. i had no idea. it seemed like an hour, maybe. when i came back into the bedroom, he was asleep. i had not spent any time with him. maybe 30 minutes.

it will be better to-morrow. i know it will.
n.

quicky here…i come from a long line of non-apologizers. that said, in the last 10 years, i have made an active effort to always apologize when i am wrong, or act like a jackass. in addition, i am well known to bitch at jake for talking shit on our electronics, appliances, cars, etc, for “sucking” in whatever context. he will say that they are a piece of crap, or whatever. i believe that they will have their electronic feelings hurt, and really suck. i say that they are doing their best, doing their job, stuff happens to everyone. for some reason, i make more excuses for animules and inanimate objects than for people. anyway, i have been complaining about my spinning wheel. it rocks and squeaks and just doesn’t spin very smoothly. first, i thought it was that i was spinning on carpet. i finally went to staples and got one of those mats meant for under your wheely office chair. i also put a anti-slip thing under my wheel. no better. no better at all. my wheel, not being the lendrum that seems to just be AWESOME was getting shit-talked by me. well. for some reason, in my horrible mood, i thought to check the bolts and nuts on the wheel. um. all. loose. really loose. i got the tool that came with my wheel out of the drawer (can you believe i am organized enough to know where it was?!) and tightened everything up, and….it runs like BUTTA!!!! and i realized that my wheel was doing it’s job. is it fancy? no? it is not the bottom of the line wheel, it is a workhorse, it has never broken. I DIDN’T EVER TIGHTEN THE SCREWS since i got it in june i think, and dumbass me badmouthed the poor thing. let me say, formally, eva….i am so sorry for ever doubting you. your beauty is in your simple, clean lines and dutch charm. you do what you are supposed to do. you are faithful and reliable. you have taken me from not even being able to treadle in both directions, or have the ability to stop you without my hands. you go as fast or as slow as i want you to. you are never angry if i have ignored you for a day or so. you never commented on how terrible my yarns were back then. you told me that all yarn is beautiful. you helped me spin past bad things, sleepless nights, phone calls, new cds and bad tv. you never complained. you did your job. even when i took you to camp and bitched that you sucked. that was a case of a poor workman always blaming her tools. it was never you. you will always be my first. and though you may not be the last, you will always have a special place in my fuzzy little heart.

xo,
n.

i have been avoiding a talk with one of my closest friends. this friend has been out of control for quite a while, has been long ago diagnosed with bipolar disorder, but refuses to see a doctor about it. in fact, she says she is getting better. there is constant drama, she displays every single trait that people with the disorder have, including no impulse control, abusing alcohol and whatever else, going home with people she doesn’t know, doesn’t listen, acts and says inappropriate things that offend her friends, does the same things over and over and says she doesn’t remember. you cannot argue with her. she has an excuse for everything. she either denies it, or excuses it. she is going through a divorce, and acted this way while married as well, and as soon as they split, was chasing a much younger guy that she became obsessed with and can’t leave it alone, no matter what the result. i worry about it. think about it. dream about it. i told her, after avoiding her calls because i didn’t want to say it, but i told her that is she wouldn’t get help, i couldn’t do it anymore. she said i had betrayed her. at the same time, she said i had given her an ultimatum, claimed she really did love me, even though she tells virtually everyone that, and would rather walk away and blame me for the end, than try going to a doctor and talking. taking the fucking medicine. but you can’t drink on medicine. oh wait, she is on paxil, and she drinks on that, no problemo.

she tries to say that it all goes back to one thing and it is so not one thing, i can’t even say more. it is strange to have a close friend who you talked to several times a week that doesn’t actually know much about you, or what goes on in your life, because you learn after trying to tell them multiple times- that they aren’t listening. so you don’t bother. or she offends half the people at your party and then tells strangers that so and so is so hot, she wants to FUCK him. several times. denies it. never happens. then says that i am uptight. i want her to be someone she is not. anyway. i am not a screamer. i hate fighting with anyone. i clam up. it took all i had to yell at her, to tell her at all. i would rather have slipped away. but i adore her. she could be amazing. she is so smart. yet, she has all of these internal ghosts holding her back, making her do bad things, stopping her from being someone amazing, rather than…who-she is crazy! i am afraid for her. i want to help her. i am not helping her. and i cannot watch. it makes me so sad. it could have been me. i see her like my sister. i have never felt so close to another woman, yet so far away. i feel like i am watching her taillights fade. once i can’t see them, she is gone.

i am sorry that i couldn’t do more. i am sorry that i wasn’t enough. when i am around her, it scares me, i see what i might have been, what i still could become. once slip and you have fallen down 100 flights of stairs. broken. it is too dark. i can’t be around it anymore. is it weak? maybe. i just don’t know what else i can do.

g’night.
n.

jan 26 06
Originally uploaded by natashafialkov.

our local library is doing a chemo cap knitting thingy, so instead of getting the shitty wanna be lion brand jiffy yarn, except not as soft, i decided to use up some of my stash, including some high end eyelash yarns that i used for the boutique scarves. they like that stuff, you know? anyway, i have knit three so far, in two days, i will post photos, they are super cute. they have a bathing cap look to them, but are surprisingly cute. i just used a semi-standard cap pattern and tweaked it a bit. the patterns that the library provided were plain fold brim men’s hats. if you are going through chemo, feel like shit, probably don’t look your best and your poor head is shedding hair and sore, do you really want to wear a men’s hat out of not that soft cheapo yarn? i don’t really think so. why can’t you have a cute hat, that people would comment on, saying,”your hat is so cute!” you know? anyway, i am going to make as many as i can before the deadline. and then i think i may try to do some for a children’s one. my mom said something about that, and i thought it would be fun because you could make really silly crazy ones and kids would really dig them. not that i really know so much about kids. you know?

in other crafty news, i got the plastic ring pom-pom makers. i know i could make some out of cardboard, but i intend to make a pom-pom wreath for spring. so i got out all of the cheapo yarn and stash stuff that i wasn’t sure what i even had it for, and started making em. it was really fun. i had to tear myself away from it. i am trying to think of other things i can do with pom-poms. it is a really good use for bits of yarns, especially expensive yarns that you want to totally use up. i will put photos up. i swear. anyone have any ideas for pom-pom projects? i think a bookmark with them on each end of i-cord or ribbon would be cool. the wreath, of course. earrings. necklace. bracelet. i am thinking single pom for these. anyway, the plastic do-dad to make them with is 3 bucks for three different sizes. so thought it was a good buy,

i also got one of those plastic mats that you put under an office chair so it can roll to put under my spinning wheel because it wobbles, a lot, when i spin on the carpet in my studio. i tried it out and it seemed a bit better, but i think it is just a bit of a faulty design for the base of it. it is shaped like a T, and i think that if there was something more solid on the back, it would be better. and a non-slip thingy.

oh! i got an email today about a new crafty site that is starting on 2-2 i think…whip up is what it is called and it has amazing people on it…crafty artists…regina being one of them. does she ever stop? nope. nope she doesn’t.

i dyed the fiber for some valentine’s yarns, which i hope to spin to-morrow after the site update, which is loooooooooong overdue. i am a bad bad bad person. in many ways, really. but, the fiber…oooooh la la.

my parents were in town this weekend from iowa, and my dad looked awake and rested for the first time i can remember. they seem to like the small townedness of it out there, and they are near the grandkids, so that is good. i am glad that they are happy there. my dad worked too hard out here and got little in return. when they moved they got rid of lots of stuff that had accumulated and i think that the purge may have made them feel better about everything. it always makes me feel better. although, i still keep stuff. i just try to be a bit more selective than i used to be.

photos and more to-morrow.
smoooooooooooooooooooch.
n.

01.26.06
Originally uploaded by natashafialkov.

this is what i see under my studio door when i am trying to work. i also experience a banging sound, a scratching sound and something like a baby being tortured. i think it may be a ghost. when i get up to try to photograph whatever it is, there is nothing there. i set up a hidden camera and got this. any ideas what it might be?

my hands are really hurting today, hands and arms. even typing. but i am compelled. so i brave through the pain. i am just that kind of person. i have been crocheting, also.

i was watching gh and saw the pepto bismol commercial with the song. to my dismay, i realized that the only song, perhaps ever, that includes the word “diarrhea” has replaced it with “sour stomach”! what? i love that word. it is so explicit. it really gets the idea across, you know? if someone tells you that they have diarrhea…first, the word itself even looks out of sorts and gross, second, nuff said, got it, you can’t come in to work, or whatever you had planned. no problem. get better. you know? sour stomach? a tummy ache? aw. tummy ache. whatever. fire shooting out your ass or a tummy ache. which sounds better to you. and, there are no other songs that have the d word in them. i think that i might start using the d word as a curse…i hope so and so gets diahrrea! explosive diahrrea! as opposed to, i hope so and so gets a sour stomach! whatever. i think the d word is worse than vomit. less acceptable. i loved that damn song. upset stomach, diahrrea, heartburn, acid indigestion…
ok. my hand/arm is killing.
smoooooochies.
n.

Four jobs you have had in your life:

1. toys r us. the. worst. job. ever. you couldn’t even go outside for break, and they patted you down when you left and checked your purse. nice.
2. quaker steak and lube…the famous wing place with cars on the ceiling.
3. tela ropa, for you locals, you will know what this is, a hippy kiosk thingy in the mall, and i met my husband there many moons ago and one of my best friends. odd.
4. rick’s video. a college job. they carried adult titles as well, and i was always surprised to see what people got. odd stuff. also, i could look up everyone in the whole town’s record of video rentals. yeah!

Four (random) movies you
could watch over and over:

1. i am not really a movie watcher over and over, that said, hedwig and the angry inch
2. the english patient. and i sob everytime.
3.pretty in pink, 16 candles, breakfast club…really count as one, anytime they are on tv.
4.rocky horror. at the theater. as i said, not a big repeat movie watcher.

Four places you have lived:

1.south africa
2. sacramento
3. st. louis
4. pittsburgh

Four TV shows you love to watch:

1. deadwood. deadwood. deadwood. ooooh deadwood. when does it start back up?
2. the L-word. i lurve that show.
3. general hospital
4. recently started watching old episodes of gilmore girls. my husband likes it too. strange, but true.

Four places you have been
on vacation:

1.australia, i have lots of family there and if i had more money would go all the time. i would move there. ocean. mmmmm.
2. hilton head, sc. we go with the inlaws every summer and stay right on the beach. awesome!
3. wildwood, nj, as a kid, the most disgusting place i have ever been. my parents russian friends said it was amazing. if by amazing you mean floating tampons, used condoms and hypodermic needles…and other garbage, than it is. amazing, i mean.
4. portland, or. awesome. we lurve it. gooooood fruit. we would totally move there in a second. and one of my bestest friends in the world and his adorable wife live there.

Four websites you visit daily:

1.yahoo
2.gmail
3.bloglines, to read my 100+ blogs
4.ebay. not everyday.

Four of your favourite foods:

1. liver. yup. i really like it. and chopped liver, also. yum!
2. matzo with a ton of butter and vegimite.
3. key lime pie
4.coffee. senseo coffee, with whipped cream and two splendas.

Four places you would rather
be right now:

1.the beach
2.portland
3.the beach
4.australia. on the beach.

Four Bloggers you are tagging:

1.brooklyn handspun
2.hello mango
3.amy
4.dunn knittery y’all!
5. jason, whose blog isn’t disclosed. he would have to kill you all if i did. he can let me know if you are allowed. also, he never blogs. so that is why he is 5 in case he doesn’t want to blog.

booooya!
n.

edit:i accidentally made the hello mango link to some strange japanese site. it is now corrected, with apologies to the gorgeous and crafty zoe.

i got up early. you know, to get work done. i said i would. so i did. i was eager to ply the gazillion beads, which looks really pretty. i am doing more with bigger beads and some pieces of shell, and i think i may go to the crafty store to look for some others. i should have pics to post, but i digress. ok, so i start to feel super tired, super duper tired. so, i went into my room and did some beading and conked out. until 5:30. yup. so no photos. to-morrow. photos to-morrow. man, i suck.

ok, lastly, this. i know that you thought that brittany’s husband was a total loser, but you may reconsider after seeing this. additionally, evangeline lily, the really gorgeous girl with a slightly mannish body on lost is engaged to dominic what’s his name from lost and lord of the ring. the hobbit. hm. maybe he is super duper duper sweet. and packing heat. if you know what i mean. so, for those few dudes that read my blog and think that you have to be brad pitt to get hot chicks, nope. there is hope.

smoochies,
n.

jan18
Originally uploaded by natashafialkov.

woah! i have been plying yarns with gazillions of hand strung beads and sequins. ok, not a gazillion, but i used an entire pack of 750 and then a ton of seed beads, so it is probably close to 1500. yeah. lots. but they look so gorgeous. i think it took me about an hour and a half to do it. did i mention it looks gorgeous? i am a freak.

i am in need of dyed fiber, so i will be doing that again to-morrow. every week i dye.

amy got a bad case of the pukes, so all of you send you some positive non-vomitous thoughts. ok? starting…now!

update to-morrow. i promise. it was too dark to take photos today.

smoochies.
n.

jan18
Originally uploaded by natashafialkov.

not much to report, really. on friday, i missed snb because i slept all day and didn’t wake up until 8p. on saturday, i missed the spinning guild, again, because i stayed home to spin, having done no work at all on friday and feeling guilty. additionally i get really nervous about meeting people, even though i was always like spinning people. but i spun for about 7 hours and got a lot done. i have been handstringing beads and sequins and plying them into the yarns and they look like fairies sprinkled them in. gorgeous. time consuming. but that is what art yarns are all about. fairies, beads and fluff. you know? otherwise, it is just yarn. not that there is anything wrong with yarn. of any color, creed or denomination. i love you all, yarn. you are ok by me!

that is really all to report. i have knitted a few simple projects and am looking for something to work on that takes more than an hour. you know? i probably should knit some things for the store, because people do ask. and the yarn is so fun to knit with.

there has been some mayhem with a good friend who is newly single and behaving very badly, to the degree that i am afraid that she will very soon have no one that wants to hang out with her, mainly at the bar, which is her favorite place to go, get drunk, which doesn’t take much on paxil, and then act insanely inappropriate. i have been bitching her out about it, and then amy bitched her out about it, and i am now at the point where i am not saying anything else. don’t ask, don’t tell. i do not want to know. sigh. she called me a prude? can you guys believe that? what? me? uptight? that is one thing i have never been called. and i have been called lots of things.

my mom and dad in law are getting a puppy, so everyone is excited for the new arrival. and his name is beauregard. that isn’t probably spelled right, but you get the idea. he is from fancy blood. i always feel kind of sick about pure bread animules, cause there are so many that need homes, but he will have bluer blood than all of us. oh, he is a black lab.

ok. that is all. store update to-morrow. i have lots of really cool stuff, too. you will be excited! you will! i am!

mwah!
n.

jan18
Originally uploaded by natashafialkov.

i got up early, on only a few hours of sleep, dyed a few pounds of fiber, plied a few big fat skeins, spun a few, got the last of my packages, except for carrie’s as i didn’t get her address in time, returned emails, and i cannot remember what else. lots.

we had turkey burgers for supper and i had a1 on mine. really interesting, i know. ok, so kahlo, the tabby, came up to taste the sauce left on my plate…barely tasted it and literally ran away. it was the strangest thing i ever saw. she ran away.

i am waffling on what to send knitpixie, still. what is my problem? i dunno. they want the tinsellette yarns, that i am not fond of and i don’t want those to represent me. i like them ok, but the yarns i make now, are much nicer. i dunno.

anyway, i am starving, again, so i am going for a snack.

thanks for all the kind comments and words. my hands are hurting a lot so i am off for my cock up.

xo,
n.