floating and breathing
i had a solitary day. i didn’t talk to anyone but my husband and my cats. i made a ton more pompoms, knitted another chemo cap, with a new pattern i am working on, more on that to-morrow if i get it done…and spun for a really long time. the spinning is what set me a bit more right.
i woke up, and remembered what i had done so late at night, with a bad headache giving me bitter courage. i am not sorry that i did it. i know i had to. i am so sorry that i had to. i have cut people out of my life before. when possible, i would simply disappear and never talk to them again. in this case, i didn’t want to do that. ever. i want to be able to do something. i don’t want her to fall into a deep hole, and die there.
she normally calls and calls and calls. today, no calls. she gets it this time. i think she really gets it. and it feels like a breakup. it feels just like that. you wake up, having forgotten for what seemed like a moment, and remember. and you are sad all over again.
so i did work. when i spin, it is like floating face down…all that i hear is my blood pumping and my breathing. nothing else is in the world. that is the world. i realized that i had been rude to jake, and went into my studio and not come out for more than 3 hours. i had no idea. it seemed like an hour, maybe. when i came back into the bedroom, he was asleep. i had not spent any time with him. maybe 30 minutes.
it will be better to-morrow. i know it will.
n.
amy said,
January 31, 2006 @ 9:08 am
xo
Robin Green Eye said,
January 31, 2006 @ 10:35 am
Gets better everyday hun, it really does. I have not only dropped BOTH of my parents and my stepmother, but a whole lot of so-called “friends” that were just simply sucking the life out of me slowly. The main people in my life now are my husband and children, I keep everyone else at arms length, it is just safer that way. And thanks for pointing out that I had no email link! I fixed that! Heres to a happy day!!!
Nichole Sidhe said,
January 31, 2006 @ 10:38 am
Natasha, this is Nichole. (Josh’s girlfriend) I’m on blogger/blogspot too and Josh directed me here. I wanted to comment and let you know that I know sort of how you feel. I just had a “break up” with one of my close friends and it was awful. In a lot of ways I feel like it had to be done, although it was his choice not mine.
I’m sorry you had to go through this, but you are right. Things will be better tomorrow.
Bonnie said,
January 31, 2006 @ 4:39 pm
It gets better with time. I had a falling out with my closest friend of 8 years and it was hard. But I can see now in hindsight that it was good that I recognized when it was time to walk away.
Deep breaths and loving thoughts. It does get better.
ladylinoleum said,
January 31, 2006 @ 8:37 pm
Hang in there girlie!
natasha said,
February 1, 2006 @ 1:31 am
fanx guys! you make me think that maybe everyone in the world is not a raving lunatic. or on medication. not that there is ANYTHING wrong with medication. god bless pharmaceuticals.