luxe

i have been avoiding a talk with one of my closest friends. this friend has been out of control for quite a while, has been long ago diagnosed with bipolar disorder, but refuses to see a doctor about it. in fact, she says she is getting better. there is constant drama, she displays every single trait that people with the disorder have, including no impulse control, abusing alcohol and whatever else, going home with people she doesn’t know, doesn’t listen, acts and says inappropriate things that offend her friends, does the same things over and over and says she doesn’t remember. you cannot argue with her. she has an excuse for everything. she either denies it, or excuses it. she is going through a divorce, and acted this way while married as well, and as soon as they split, was chasing a much younger guy that she became obsessed with and can’t leave it alone, no matter what the result. i worry about it. think about it. dream about it. i told her, after avoiding her calls because i didn’t want to say it, but i told her that is she wouldn’t get help, i couldn’t do it anymore. she said i had betrayed her. at the same time, she said i had given her an ultimatum, claimed she really did love me, even though she tells virtually everyone that, and would rather walk away and blame me for the end, than try going to a doctor and talking. taking the fucking medicine. but you can’t drink on medicine. oh wait, she is on paxil, and she drinks on that, no problemo.

she tries to say that it all goes back to one thing and it is so not one thing, i can’t even say more. it is strange to have a close friend who you talked to several times a week that doesn’t actually know much about you, or what goes on in your life, because you learn after trying to tell them multiple times- that they aren’t listening. so you don’t bother. or she offends half the people at your party and then tells strangers that so and so is so hot, she wants to FUCK him. several times. denies it. never happens. then says that i am uptight. i want her to be someone she is not. anyway. i am not a screamer. i hate fighting with anyone. i clam up. it took all i had to yell at her, to tell her at all. i would rather have slipped away. but i adore her. she could be amazing. she is so smart. yet, she has all of these internal ghosts holding her back, making her do bad things, stopping her from being someone amazing, rather than…who-she is crazy! i am afraid for her. i want to help her. i am not helping her. and i cannot watch. it makes me so sad. it could have been me. i see her like my sister. i have never felt so close to another woman, yet so far away. i feel like i am watching her taillights fade. once i can’t see them, she is gone.

i am sorry that i couldn’t do more. i am sorry that i wasn’t enough. when i am around her, it scares me, i see what i might have been, what i still could become. once slip and you have fallen down 100 flights of stairs. broken. it is too dark. i can’t be around it anymore. is it weak? maybe. i just don’t know what else i can do.

g’night.
n.