you wouldn’t like me when i’m angry…
yesterday, i did as much work as i could before i started to feel really tired and my arms and hands were cramping and sore, up to the shoulder. when that happens, i am not able to do anything, really. i get pissed off, i get mad, i get weepy. i couldn’t sleep. i got a check from my mom for our anniversary. i couldn’t find it. i turned the house upside down whilst feeling off of my head and sweating and hinging on hysterical. i went downstairs, planning to go out to my car to look for the check, in the middle of the night, i smell pee. i realize that peeps has been peeing on my favorite wicker amoeba lounger that jake got my for christmas one year. not only do i adore that chair and the white fuzzy sheepskin that used to reside on it, but the cats loved to lay on it. sun would stream in and illuminate their shiny fur. they loved it. peeps doesn’t want them to have anything. she has been pissing on it for a while. because it is wicker, it went straight through, and it is finished on the outside, so it was seeping into the bamboo supports which are unfinished, this is why, whilst we did smell pee, we couldn’t figure out where.
so, in the middle of the night, in my boxers and tank top, i drag the enormous chair onto the porch. peeps keeps meowing at me. i am so furious, i don’t even know what to do. i am not longer in physical pain at this point, but in utter mental anguish. i want to hit, smash, scream, cry, fall down and go to sleep. i don’t want to feel this. i don’t get in moods like this. i make excuses for peeps. i understand she is a cat and there is nothing i can do. i love her to bits, can’t lock her up because she would die and there aren’t any other options. last night…was a bad bad night. i took a pill. two pills and my nighttime meds and went to sleep as soon as i could.
the thing about feeling really sick is that the things that make you feel better…you can’t do. so you sit, or lie, with your hands on your lap and feel useless. i am what i make. it is who i am. when i have made nothing, i feel like nothing.
despite my hands condition, i almost blogged last night because i was so miserable. i could feel my face crumpling up. i wanted to tell someone. but i didn’t want to be in that frame of mind and unload it on anyone’s head. no one wants to get that kind of blast.
why am i telling you today? well, i am a bit more reasonable. not only that, but i realized after talking to my mom that she had the same night. and i have a feeling that some more of you out there also had a horrible time. feel free to drop a comment, anonymous if you prefer. or drop me an email.
today, i packed up orders and planned to go to my favorite thrift store. when i went, it was closed and i went to michael’s where i got the new book of image transfers which really kind of sucks, and i plan to return it. i want to do some tranfers onto plates and things like that, but ones that will actually hold up. any suggestions, let me know. i know how to do regular transfers with different methods, but i am looking for a ceramic transfer. so.
i also got two sets of stencils for a buck each! woot! and the foam brushes i use for everything are 15/$1! woah! i got 45. really.
i then went to goodwill, thinking i would find sweaters for the felting stuff i am working on, to no avail. not only are they expensive there, but they have such filthy gross crap there. if you donate it, they will take it. the furniture looked like it was left at a dump 30 years ago. really gross and dirty.
after mailing my stuff, i stopped at UFO my favorite…and got some really good books and sheet music. i am probably going to put some paper piles together to clear out some of the extra stuff i have that will never get used. a lot of it is the same stuff. also, i have tons of wallpaper samples, and i plan to get that together, too. please let me know if you are interested and what you like and i will put together a kit for ya. woo!
oh, also, whilst catching up on a few blogs, i found this amazing store selling these incredible hats! i emailed asking if there are any patterns, which hopefully will not offend. but woah! and funnily enough, i was reading a blog post this weekend about how some of the crazy hats on the whip up blog were hideous, and i thought they were very sculptural and interesting…i would feel silly wearing them, and i guess i look at a lot of handmade things as a piece rather than a hat, or whatever other functional object it may be. because as a hat, you would look a bit…unusual. regardless, i thought it was interesting that there are tribes that actually made and wore hats that were really rather similar. hmph! i can see the lady linoleum making one. with her eyes closed. and her foot. her left foot. ha!
i want to talk about this for a moment more. the post i originally read was not at all meant to be..well, snarky (knitting?) (and i think you all know why i use that word). there are those nasty people out there that are nasty because they are not creative and can’t make ANYTHING, ugly or no, so they pick on anyone that does make things. if you are a braggart, of course you are opening yourself up to getting picked on, and you deserve it, really. but if you are making things and it makes you happy, you should be proud of it. we all have the propensity to be artists. as one of my most favorite artists ever liked to say, “art is life.” what he meant by that, was that you should make every moment memorable and beautiful. what the definition of that is up for debate, of course, but as a creative community, i think the best thing to do is just to be as openminded and supportive as possible. we all make crappy stuff at some juncture in our careers (real or imagined)and there is a good possibility that we were really really proud of it and showed it to everyone and maybe even sold it for way more than it was really worth, we now realize with shame. so maybe we improve, maybe we never improve. it doesn’t matter. as long as it makes you happy.
so, i will take pics of the new yarns i have finished lately as well as my new scores. i have a couple of fall yarns that are really pretty, one of them with leaves. purdy!
even though my hands are so sore, i have been drawing as often as possible. i want to draw every day, like i used to, but i forget to. i draw whatever is on my mind or in front of me. as long as it is something. also, i have been trying to use a pen and not a pencil, so my lines get better. and no erasing. you know?
some pics?
smooooch.
n.
yarnwench said,
September 18, 2006 @ 9:46 pm
I hope today was a better day for you. It must be so frustrating to have a body that doesn’t always cooperate (and a cat who pees all over!). Sorry sweetie that you have to put up with so much. It doesn’t seem fair that some people have to deal with so much.
Tala said,
September 18, 2006 @ 9:54 pm
That yarn is gorgeous, gorgeous!
I hope you’re feeling better today, and that you don’t have anymore days/nights like that. I’ve been a hormonal wreck for the past week (I usually only get like that - bitchy, sleepless, restless - a day or 2 before my period) I’m totally out of sorts, I keep taking pregnancy tests every few days because I think I must be, since I’ve been an emotional piledriver for a week! But no pink stripe, and in the meantime, my attitude towards my poor little girl will probably send her into therapy when she’s an adult. Today was a better day, but the other day everything she did set me off, and I think she was just picking up on it and wanting to be near me to calm me down - poor little thing couldn’t understand that her hanging all over me was setting me off. I get impatient with her from time to time, but most of the time I can tell myself she’s just 2.5 and doesn’t know or understand. But the way I acted the other day, yelling constantly at her, is not me, and of course it made me feel even shittier. What a terrible mommy, to take it out on her little girl. Needless to say, I put her to bed crying (me, not her) and apologizing profusely to her for being so mean all day. I felt like Mommy Dearest, a total bitch.
Hopefully there will be NO MORE days like that for EITHER of us!!!
Steph said,
September 19, 2006 @ 5:10 am
yup. Its been going around all right. I had a bit of a rough night and day today, and I have spoken to several other people who have experienced the same thing to varying degrees…physical problems flaring up, and now I think of it, this must account for the worsened state of someone close to me who has a mental illness.
So whats up!
This helps a lot Natasha, so thankyou for sharing. It is so easy to feel isolated when you are unhappy or in pain, and it makes it easier, I think, to know that, yeah, there is something in the air..or the moon..or the planets..or…or…or….
Whatever the reason, we arent in it alone.
natasha said,
September 19, 2006 @ 12:27 pm
i feel purdy good today! wooooot! i actually feel guilty today that i bitched so much. i don’t have it so bad. some people have it reaaaaallly bad. you know?
natasha said,
September 19, 2006 @ 12:32 pm
amanda, i am generally the silent type when i am pissed off, so that is a good thing, i think. i tend to just keep to myself.
there is a big difference between a mean mom and a mom having a rotten day, and i am sure your daughter knows that this is not your usual demeanor, or she would not be trying to comfort you, she would be hiding in the closet. hee!
i think it is the change of season. i think i have pms. or ms.
natasha said,
September 19, 2006 @ 12:36 pm
steph, the funny thing is that we are all inside our houses wherever we are in the country howling at the moon, but we can’t hear each other. isn’t funny how we all feel like we are going out of our minds, but it is just a seasonal thing? i hope. or we are turning into zombies and hunger for brains. i hate zombies. they freak me out.
it is easy to feel isolated. it is easy to let people think that your life is rosy, you can tell everyone whatever you want.
lisa s said,
September 19, 2006 @ 1:00 pm
so sorry about the chair…. [and feeling sick]… if you can get the smell out w/ nature’s miracle you might want to invest in felaway [sp?]… it’s phermones for cats and it does often stop them from peeing on stuff. [trust me we have 3 and one is a pee-er]
good luck…. !!!
susan said,
September 19, 2006 @ 8:58 pm
yes, the dear LL could make those hats with her eyes shut. what a woman! those hats on whip up were sculpture, some of them, and even though i would not wear them, doesn’t make them invalid. honestly, i don’t wear most of what i make, but that doesn’t make it non art?
hope you are feeling better, loving this yarn you are showing. wowsers!
natasha said,
September 19, 2006 @ 11:45 pm
susan, i totally agree! i just think it is hard for a lot of people to really wrap their brain around anything non-functional. we live in a country where people will pay thousands of dollars for a copy of a thomas kinkade painting, but wouldn’t pay as little as a hundred bucks (or less) for a REAL painting from an artist that could use the money. it is so strange to me. although, i think some of those people don’t realize that the TK “paintings” are not actually painted. by anyone.
YarnB said,
September 20, 2006 @ 12:48 am
I hope you are feeling better. I was feeling the same way the other night, so I understand…really I felt almost identical to what you describe! and please try to not feel bad for feeling sick or venting, just try to let it go if you can, that is my new mantra..it is the way it is…i can’t help that I am not well you know? I only make it worse when I heep my guilt onto it all….
linda said,
September 21, 2006 @ 12:20 am
hey ms natasha
i don’t know if you caught on that i posted the info at supernaturale about the “incredible hats” you noted above, the ashetu hats (prestige hats).
if you’re interested, i also had a bit more info in a little article i wrote a while back:
http://www.crochetlab.com/crochetlab_report_2/crochetlab_report_2.htm#ashetu
in case you didn’t see
natasha said,
September 21, 2006 @ 11:37 pm
linda, i did check them out, they are incredible!
natasha said,
September 21, 2006 @ 11:38 pm
botanika, i agree! i only tend to feel guilty when i feel too bad to do ANYTHING at all, so i sit and guilt. i am jewish, what can i do?