musings of an art school girl.
so, i was talking to my mom about being a kid and how i was terrified of hurting my hands, as far back as i can remember. making things isn’t what i do, it is who i am. my own sense of value is based on being able to make things, and when i can’t, my value plummets to nothing in my own mind. i have a strange depression that sets in when i finish a project, especially large project. similarly, when i am reading a book i love and it ends, i am sad. for that reason, i tend to read looooong books, and for the same reason, i don’t like short stories. odd, i know.
so really, when anyone tells me that they are amazed at the amount of things i crank out, what they don’t realize is that when i make nothing, i am nothing. the things i make are the part of me that i like. the part of me that is hard to offend, the part of me that is confident to a fault. i get really excited about things i work on, or new techniques i have figured out. i have known a few people that were rather annoyed by this, but what can i do? that is one part of me that i make no excuses for. that part can do and say whatever she wants.
the times in my life that i was truly miserable were times that i was not making anything. and i couldn’t make anything. i dried up. and i was the most depressed that i had ever been.
making things got me through hard times for as long as i can remember. i had a sketchbook since i was in grade school. art (and music at one point) where the only things that i was ever compelled to do. it wasn’t a choice. i didn’t have to push myself to draw everyday. in college, i didn’t have to force myself to fulfill the studio time alotment. i was there all the time. where else would i be? the security guards would let me lock up.
i had a spell years ago when my life was an utter mess and my creative juices just dried up. completely. i did nothing. and i felt worthless. knitting got the ball rolling again and it just kept rolling and rolling and rolling. and, well, here i am.
xo
n.
Nix Sidhe said,
November 3, 2006 @ 8:42 am
I know just what you mean, for the last four years I’ve been a mess. I’m finally getting back some of what I had before… but I still feel empty sometimes and it’s worse than anything I’ve ever felt before.
Being creatively empty is worse than any sort of loneliness for me.
Katrina said,
November 3, 2006 @ 1:40 pm
I can realate to this too. When I was really sick I could not create anymore and my self worth plumeted. My identity it tangled up in my artistic creativity. I felt like I did not know who I was. It was aweful. Art/craft=joy in my life.
lynn said,
November 3, 2006 @ 4:15 pm
I have always had a need to create things - since I was a little kid. I used to go through a pack of typing paper a week with my crayons! When I wrote my book I actually quit making art for a couple of years. I guess creating a world on paper was fulfillment enough but it was funny to see that happen. It surprised me that writing would fill up that space. I think everyone has a creative urge of some kind but it takes on many forms.Like you, I feel a sadness when I am finished with a project (at least if it is a big project - I’m not sad to finish a yarn!) I cried when I finished my book and I felt a loss when I finished my quilt on guns in America.
Jessica said,
November 3, 2006 @ 11:05 pm
that is right on. i also hate short stories and never knew why til i read this. good insight! and big projects are the best. though the satisfaction of finishing them is never as good as i think it is going to be, but then i just go ahead and start something else.
and you are damn cool regardless of whatever you make, that’s absolutely clear!
natasha said,
November 4, 2006 @ 12:55 pm
nichole, it is so interesting that other people feel just the same way! when i am making things, i am not lonely. i am never bored. without them i would be floating in the middle of nothing.
natasha said,
November 4, 2006 @ 12:57 pm
lynn, i forgot about your book! you need to give me the info on it so i can get it. i love the historical stuff, and it was, right?
i think part of what makes me keep cranking stuff out is that i feel bummed out when i have nothing to make. i can imagine crying when i book is done. that is a BIG thing.
natasha said,
November 4, 2006 @ 12:58 pm
jess, i know! i don’t like really big projects like sweaters because i am ALWAYS let down, and i am okay with smaller things as long as i have lots of them to make and can just crank em out.
you, my dear, are the cool one!
malvina said,
November 4, 2006 @ 8:25 pm
i so know what you mean. especially with the hands… for me, its so frustrating to know you’ve gone to a zillion doctors and done therapy and not had any improvement. the only improvement is no work. and i cant do that. so i go slow. and sometimes i don’t do anything at all. it makes you reevaluate everything, and doubt your choices in life. it makes you antsy. i’m starting to get better, but only because i purposely don’t work too hard at my job. still, i am considering alternate careers…since i know i can’t do it full-time.
knitting is so cathartic for me. creating in general is too, but i really found something with fibre craft. viva la craft! =]
natasha said,
November 6, 2006 @ 1:44 pm
malvina, i hear you! viva la craft!
ladylinoleum said,
November 7, 2006 @ 5:09 pm
We are soul sisters. I mean, I could have written this! Did I tell you that I love you today? I did, but what the heck, you’re the bestest!
susan said,
November 7, 2006 @ 9:48 pm
how did i miss this? thank god for LL.
yes, i hear ya… it is like that isn’t it?
Starfish said,
November 7, 2006 @ 10:12 pm
I’ve said this before on ladylinoleum’s blog, but knitting got me through the infertility years. I can so relate to your statement “when I create nothing I am nothing”. So true.
natasha said,
November 8, 2006 @ 2:25 am
regina, we are soul sisters after all! and i love you right back! you, you are the bestest!
natasha said,
November 8, 2006 @ 2:26 am
susan, regina is a magical lady, for shizzle! yeah, it is. and for people like us, if you can harnass the negativity and make something out of it, it loses its power…ooh, i need to blog that…but if not, it is like a cancer. too bad they can’t heat houses on rage, you know?
natasha said,
November 8, 2006 @ 2:27 am
starfish, it is true. knitting and crochet get me through anxious times, sick times, you name it. it helps to get the energy and bad stuff out of there.
Carol said,
November 8, 2006 @ 11:45 pm
Understandable. I look at knitting & other things created as part of who I am , not “something” I do. Maybe it’s like a post-partum thing. A part of you is “being let go” by finishing. Maybe keep a few projects lined up around completion time of another. x
natasha said,
November 9, 2006 @ 1:20 pm
carol, i actually do always start something else immediately, it is mainly with bigger projects, or books, too. odd.